Tuesday, June 3, 2008

auto animals

You dog-on-lap-while-in-car people, what are you thinking? Do I let my nieces or nephews, my girlfriend, my roommates crawl all over me, peeping their heads over the steering wheel, then out the driver's window, yelling at pedestrians or other drivers stopped at red lights, turning circles on my lap without a seatbelt as if that were even remotely safe for me or for them? If I had an extra-small person that I toted around, would I let it have free reign of the cab, jumping wherever it wanted, licking my face? No. I save the licking for my at-home-private time.

You are (consciously or not) thinking one of two compound thoughts: (1) My dog is so cute that she can do whatever she wants. People will look at my dog, notice how cute she is, and then they will notice me. (2) My dog is so cute that he can do whatever he wants. I don't give a shit if people notice me or my dog.

Normal drivers of the world, how can you not speak up against lap-dog-drivers? Is this plea for attention any different than minivans with spoilers, ghetto whistles, or any variation of Calvin pissing on any variation of anything?

Can one of my many friends in law-enforcement please comment on the legality of unbelted animals participating in the driving of motor vehicles?

About a year ago I gave up "The Bird" for two much more effective hand signs: Thumb Up, or Thumb Down.* Don't like something? Give it the Thumb Down. Believe it or not, the Thumb Down stymies my road-rage. They know I disapprove, yet they don't get the satisfaction of knowing I'm pissed off. Someone tailgating you on the freeway or mouthing "Choose a lane, asshole!" as they pass? Give em the Thumb Up. Believe me, it makes you feel good.

I know what you're thinking: you disapprove of lap-dog-drivers, chicks that put on mascara during the morning commute, and those furniture store guys with the twirly signs on the corner of Scholls-Ferry and HWY 217… but you don't disapprove enough to get mad at them. The Thumb Down still works! In fact, if they saw it more often, you might see them LESS often. Last Saturday my girlfriend and I passed a guy dressed as a giant banana doing some sort of obscene breakdance on the side of road. He was terribly wiggly. It didn't matter what he was selling. I gave him a Thumb Down with full arm extension as we passed.

I pick my nose a lot while I drive. As far as I know, no one cares. However, faced with some resounding Thumbs Down, I'll quit.

Do you see how I fashioned this blog in a fluid and proactive manner? I began with a social issue of which I disapprove, noting merits (if any) and rationales. Then I moved on to discuss not only how YOU can be the change you want to see in the world, but how you can effectively communicate to other road dwellers how you feel in a concise manner. Thank you for reading.


*Obviously, I can't take credit for T.U.s or T.D.s. The Romans had the right idea with that whole gladiator thing, but this time around I'm not suggesting death, slavery, or anything related to Hulk Hogan.

Final note: Your lap-dog definitely increases doom probability for you AND for your giant car. Without getting into the reasons why 50-year-old ladies with Lincoln Navigators tend also to own toy-sized-animals, we must address that you (my faithful 50-year-old Lincoln-driving lady readers) are putting yourself, your pet, your auto, and others at risk. I'm only concerned with your (dog's) safety.